Each Holiday Season, far wiser souls than myself boldly attempt to imagine those trends that, upon occuring, will define the New Year. This always is a fascinating exercise, however futile. For "no one has a crytal ball" is as true a maxim as "don't fuck your sister." However, considering that I am accountable only to my conscience, I will take a stab at "trend spotting" 2006 style.
As I embark upon predicting the year ahead, my love for picking low hanging fruit leads my to a part of world where it is absolutely guaranteed that some kind of shit will go down in 2006: the Middle East. My view is one of optimism. Heres goes: 2006 will be the first year in history that the Middle East pumps more jizzim than oil. We are talking about a densely populated, geographical expanse whose lifeblood is defined by bubbling, hot, energy that gushes forth, spewing from the earth, making anyone covered in it ecstatic. Irony, not unlike a good lesbian scene, is hard for most of us to define, yet we know it when we see it. Call me a lunatic, but I find it ironic that the world's oil reserves are rightfully owned by a vast group of dudes who achingly, desperately need to blow a load.
Let me quickly summarize what are undisputed facts. A fairly large majority of Saudia Arabia's population are men under 20 who are unemployed. The country's oil wealth allows most of these unemployed young men to lead reasonably comfortable lives. Society doesn't require them to work. Our narrow-minded western view would lead us to conclude that these guys are having the fucking time of their lives. Sleep until 11:45, then after diving into a giant bong hit, skateboard to 7-11 and con a pedophile homeless guy to spot you a suitcase of Budweiser. Get to the beach, spend the afternoon long boarding. At 4:30 a pack of honky sluts shows up. As the Budweisers are still cold, you are the king of the party. The radiant sunset is breath-taking, the glowing bonfire starts, and Shannon Haneline gives you an epic ass liking blow-job behind the yellow trash can with the Coppertone ad on it. OK fine, maybe that doesn't happen, but at least you get to whack off thinking about it before you hit the sack that night. My point is: Jizzim physically exits your body.
Now I truly understand and believe that people can rightfully embrace any world view that they choose, incuding any religous beliefs. The following observations are purely secular, and not meant to be disrespectful. However, as one who has been a bored 18 year old male myself, I can speak with some authority. We're all human afterall. I can envision living in a society where, hopefully getting lucky, I occasionally get a glimpse of a chick's hairy nostril when a "dust devil" dishevels her dirty burka. Other than that, my only view or interaction with any female whatsoever is with my mother, who could go as Captain Hook for Halloween without needing to dress up. Then my 19th 2nd cousin installs an illegal satellite, and I'm on on the internet. I accidentially stumble upon
www.jizzhut.com and within seconds I'm looking at a picture of a chick from Yorba Linda with 6 Smucker's Jars and a live Mallard hanging out of her ass. Yet, literally everything I have ben taught says that my painfully throbbing, angry boner, brimming with ball-pumping jizzim, should be ignored. If you can't put it in a barrel and sell it to the Americans, than liquids, regardless of their pulsating pressure, should be kept undergroud. Period. How do you say "horny grouchy" in Arabic?
I entered the college dorms coming off a suprisingly strong run of getting regular sex. As the starchy beers went right to my tits, and back-hair grew up through my backzits, I slid into a monumental, naively un-prepard for, dry streak. It was then discovered that Carl, the friendly if somewhat odd albino down the hall, had the most extensive collection of glorious, hard core-pornos I'd ever come across. One lazy afternoon in Carl's room, the stars aligned. I had not seen an actual naked women, nor had jizzim physically left my body, for many many months. Then Night Trips II came on. I won't got into details, but let's just say it was one of those life changing pornos. Considering that Carl was chilling on the barka-lounger, my pants sremained zipped-up. As the credits rolled, the frantic, manic, pent up, homocidally delirous, just straight "fucking pissed off at life" state the film left me in still scares me to this day. My erection was within millimeters of running out of skin. If, at that moment, someone convinced me that if I strapped on a bomb and blew myself up, than I could star in Night Trips II, who knows what I would have done? Instead, I jumped in my Honda, sped down the 110 Freeway jerking my piss pump the whole way. I pulled up to my highschool girlfriend's house, and dumped a coffee pot of goo on her sneakers 1.3 seconds after she opened the front door. I lived.
2006 will be the year that a billion jizzim wells erupt within the Middle East. Let it fly fellas. Get stoned, listen to reggae, and beat off all day. I truly believe this could go a long way towards peace. The Middle East becomes one big cum shot in 2006. From Beirut to Karachi. We can only hope to be so lucky. There is the "trend" I forsee for 2006. That and buttfucking cowboys.
