I am a Hotel Snob

Every girlfriend I have had told me that I was a hotel snob. I'm serious. I never wanted to admit it b/c I thought of myself as more of a common man, but they are correct. I must be more spoiled than I thought. It is kind of weird that I am so particular on hotels because I have lived in some real shitholes in my day... why can't I enjoy myself in sub-par hotel? I can't answer this question specifically, but here is what I find important in a hotel...

1. Real Estate: Assume that I enjoy airing out my balls when I get out of the shower. Give me some room to loosen up.

2. Duvets: If they have comforter covers then that means they wash them everyday. If they have some floral cover over the bed, throw that in the hall using plastic gloves. Better yet, throw it AT the corrider wall. If the semen doesn't get it to stick, the shit wipes will.

3. Air Conditioning: I don't care if you are in Anchorage, you need A/C. Tonight I want to be buried underneath my covers listening to that thing whiz.

4. Thick Drapes: There's nothin worse than getting woken up by a piercing ray of sunlight at 6 AM. I need both sides to connect and they have to be thick. Blackout baby.

5. Spectravision: One HBO Channel doesn't cut it. No child locks either. Call me crazy, but I would rather just hit the Select button rather than calling downstairs... "Can you lift the block on Double D Juggernauts?"

6. Diner on Premises: Open late as well. Breakfast served all day. Never know when you'll need a bacon cheddar omelette with french toast.

7. Meticulous and Timely Cleaning staff: I will be treating your room like a pair of rental skis. A herd of elephants has nothing on me. After the daily destruction I will be in a coma for 12 hours so don't try any "Housekeeping. Oh you are still asleep" at 10 AM bullshit. When I stumble downstairs for my belgian waffle you should understand that this is the time to pick up my room. Buff the throne with a fine chamy b/c I may stop in for a shit before my trip to the pool.

8. Late check out: This is very hard to find, but a huge bonus when allowed.

9. Big White Towels: The bigger the better. If I see a spot on it, I assume some guy, just like me, wiped his ass with it. Bleach it and clean it. I unconciously know that the towel I am using has been swiped thru some guy's ass, but I would prefer that thought to be repressed.

That's it. If you are in Hotel Management let me know if you need any tips. It is actually quite simple. The customer is a selfish baby When I am hungry- I wanna eat, when I am full- I wanna shit, when I am tired- I wanna sleep. If you see a barrier that delays these wants/needs, remove it.

Today’s Youth

Coming back from Oklahoma City is a lot like coming
home from a long weekend in Vegas: it’s long and
rough with a bit of disbelief about where you’ve been
and what you’ve seen. My attempt at sleep while
waiting in the Dallas airport for my connecting flight
was futile. Despite the uncomfortable chair that was
up against a wall, and the awkward angle of my neck to
rest my head against the wall, I closed my eyes and
tried.

It wasn’t long before two young, six-year old girls
were giggling and playing as they shared the seat next
to me. Their child innocence was refreshing and their
playful nature helped me forget the horror I
experienced in Oklahoma City. The soothing background
sounds of child laughter and playful squealing allowed
me to drift off to a surprisingly peaceful sleep.
Maybe that’s why I noticed when the sounds suddenly
stopped.

The silence was deafening.

I don’t know what compelled me, but I opened my eyes
and slowly turned my cramped neck to look at the seat
next to me. I blinked in disbelief, and immediately
wondered if I was having a bad dream or had
disturbingly been placed, by some sick glitch in the
time-space continuum, into a pedophile’s wet dream.
The two six-year old girls were making-out. Open
mouth, tongue and all. Passionately. Aghast, and
with the remnants of sleep still upon me, I was frozen
from this unsettling and unforeseen sight. Time
seemed to stop, yet the girls did not. The session
ended when the mom, with an obvious lack of concern
over losing her place in the ticket counter line,
rushed over to pull the girls apart. ‘We were just
kissing,’ the girl said as the mom removed her from
the other girl.

As they walked away, the mom imparted some advice to
her daughter that should resonate with us all: “I
know you were just kissing her, honey, but you
shouldn’t give your sister ‘movie-kisses.’”

How true. How true.