The Zen of Dumping (First of a Three Part Series)

The most underrated, if not misunderstood, meditative activity is the Dump. It’s one of the few times in life where we mentally and physically expel waste from our bodies. The secret is not the actual bowel movement, but the entire ritual of the Dump, which is what makes it so wonderful and joyous.

If you really think about it, everything about taking a dump is magnificent. The unbuckling of the belt, the undoing of the pants, the anticipation – my god – the anticipation! Sitting down, getting comfortable, warming up the seat, leaning back (or forward depending on the force of the Dump), hand’s clenched, eyes ahead, fierce concentration and focus. Bam! Pow! Release . . . . you breath out slowly, and softly open your eyes while gently wiping away newly formed tears that formed during that last push. Every muscle sinks deeper and deeper into an unparalleled feeling of relaxation, and it becomes clear why we don’t do this standing up. The body is overtaken by that immense, overwhelming feeling of happiness that commonly engulfs the body after such a glorious event. And if the utter relaxation of the warm, safe feeling we feel post-Dump is not enough, nature rewards us once again with beautiful, elegant sounds associated with the Dump that are music to the ears.

The magic of the sounds is one of pure mystery to me. There’s the machine gun rata-tat-tat of the small nuggets, each with its’ own personality, yet working effortlessly together as a team to create a continuous steady splash that hits my ass in a loving, glorious way as if each one is whispering in my ear, “Welcome to Heaven.” Or my body will grant me a long deserved treat in the form of a slow long one that seamlessly flows from my ass and sleeks ever so gently into the water, creating only a soft, yet long melody reminiscent of the Marineland seals rolling from the docks into their watery homes.

The Dump is more than the mere excretion of waste, but a meditative journey into the warm recesses of our souls. A journey that reveals to us glimpses of the pure, untouched, raw emotions of joy, happiness, relaxation, rejuvenation and hope.