Attn: NYC Dog Owners

Fuck off!

#1. You are not an animal lover. If you were, you would understand how uncool it is to keep a dog cooped up in your tiny apartment. In addition, you would also understand that he does not consider a 10 minute concrete stroll a real trip outside.

#2. When your dog pisses/shits on the sidewalk the rest of us are paying for it. A. It smells. Do you know how many times that 30 year old slab of sidewalk in front of my apartment has been pissed/crapped on? B. All shits are not created equal. A firm crap can be picked up and disposed of easily. A mushy shit is harder to pickup up. You may get most of it, but you know that many remains are left behind in the cranies of the sidewalk. A sloppy diarrhea is hopeless. C. Every morning the superintendents in my neighborhood hose down their portion of the sidewalk. Thanks for wasting their time. They could be busy watching Regis and avoiding me in the hallways.

#3. If your don't pickup up your dog's shit, you are the most selfish loser I know. This morning on the way home from breakfast, my left foot slid through a smushy log. I almost fell on the ground. Instant agitation. I pulled over to see how bad it was. My streethiker tread was brimmed with orangish waffle batter. There is a god! As one does, I start dragging my shoe across the ground trying to release the debris, but this is taking too long and I am in hurry. As ironic luck would have it, I, myself, have to take a shit. So I drag my foot while continually walking for 2 and a half blocks. People are looking at me like I am mentally retarded. Not only am I hobbling around like Igor, but I smell like I shit in my pants. A block from my house I see a stick on the ground. I pull over and drive the stick through the maze of my shoe tread. This never works. Some comes off, but the majority of it is still there. I remember there is an unattended hose outside of my apartment building so I race back to my place. I spray down my shoe and watch the remains fall off. Phew! Now I can go back to complaining about normal issues.