The Zen of Dumping: Rantings of a Stand-up Wiper (Third in a Three Part Series)

I’m guilty. I’m a stand-up wiper.

We’re tired of the ridicule and persecution associated with being a stand-up wiper. Please just let us be. We don’t question you, with all of your “in the triangle” or “side-wipes” or whatever else you weirdoes do to get clean.

We stand-up wipers are standing tall. And we’re proud to be stand-up wipers. You all don’t understand the difficulty and constant dilemmas stand-up wipers deal with on a daily basis. I crap once every three days because of the constant humiliation and degradation I feel when I’m in the stall and someone sits down next to me.

What to do? If I stand-up to wipe, they will clearly see the movement and they will instantly know that there is a stand-up wiper next to them – one of those people. We hear the snickering. I then feel you trying to peer at me through the crack of the stalls as I wash my hands – hurriedly though as not to be identified. And for those of you who don’t know about us stand-up wipers, we can feel your confusion as you wonder what the hell the guy in the next stall is doing for so long while standing up with his pants down.

Hey, we don’t understand your kind either, so leave us alone.

I’ve tried the triangle wipe – but the only thing I was left with was an educated guess of how much more I needed to wipe and a ‘freshman stripe’ on the underside of my balls. And the reach to hit gold – my god – the reach is enough to pull a muscle. And trying to hold my shirt with my chin to prevent skidding from an overzealous wipe is just too much for me.

The side wipe is just as tricky and still leaves the ultimate question: did I get it all? Deciding which way to lean, squeezing your hand in between the seat and your ass, and then the awkward angle from which you wipe which makes it feel you’re only cleaning half your ass. It’s like trying to write with your left hand. The uncertainty is maddening.

We don’t have this issue. We stand up proud, grab our roll, dig down deep, and take a gander at how much we dug out. We wipe more if needed, and then toss our reward straight into that watery hole. It’s as simple as that.

I’m a stand-up wiper. And I am proud.